


“Oh Crap” and other variations

by zynzinnati



Series: In Highschool We Trade Love Letters For Melon Breads [5]
Category: Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-09
Updated: 2012-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-29 06:03:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/316579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zynzinnati/pseuds/zynzinnati
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Gokaigers were teenagers trying to enjoy their weekend. What Would Joe Do. Did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	“Oh Crap” and other variations

**Author's Note:**

> I was originally trying to write a sad Joe/Sid-sempai fic but that wasn’t happening.
> 
> It’s been so long since I wrote Joe’s First World Problems. I miss highschool!AU too (thanks to SilverWind for that Pixv photo!) Also yay, first time writing Gai. It also might be a bit OOC so heads up.

 

 

There are plenty of things that can be said about Ikari Gai but for now he’s going to be the New Transfer Student with a very bright future and possibly voted to become The Popular Freshman that Everyone Wants to Be if not for a very unfortunate situation that will demote him to That Really Enthusiastic Dude You Wanna Push Down the Stairs.

 

The story technically begins when Ikari Gai stretches out of his bed at 5 something in the morning to catch his favorite sentai show on television which will not air in a couple of hours but this is Ikari Gai and nothing is ever simple for Ikari Gai. When he dies, it will probably be in a carnival theme—with super sentais.

He turns on the television—all 55” of High Definition LED with surround sound system—and tunes into his favorite cable channel.

Now Gai would’ve saved _everyone_ the trouble if he remembered that his family just moved in and that they don’t have a cable subscription yet. His face melts in an incredible mask of doom as a manly sob escaped his throat.

At times like this, who you gonna call?

 

 

 

**

 

 _“Don-san! I’m coming over!”_

 _“Gai? Hello? What? Why?”_

 

**

Don’t ask why Don is up at precisely 6 in the morning on a weekend. He doesn’t need an alarm clock for it too. He busies himself downstairs with making breakfast, bringing in the newspaper, watering the plants and feeding the house pets. When he returns in his room, he sits on his desk and pulls open a new Gundam model kit that he’s been planning to work on since forever. He shoves his task list under a pile of more task lists, purposely ignoring a two page letter of “favors and requests also known as Marvelous Requires Your Help, Good Friend.” Whoever writes stuff like this must be a total idiot. Hakase guesses that he’s the bigger idiot for actually taking it.

But that’s not the point. He’s going to have a whole day of tinkering and smelling like glue and later he will indulge his family with his Ultra Special Dogoier Lunch of Extreme Nutrition. Life is good.

Until that phone call of doom that came in biblical proportions. Don’s not even religious, but he sure knows the sound of apocalypse.

It sounds like Ikari Gai.

 

 

**

 

“Don-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!” Gai bursts through the door as he lugs in a quilt, a box of crackers, a bottle of cheese, several bottles of Gatorade, and a battered looking HD-DVD recorder.

“No.”

Gai stops midway. “Eh?”

“Whatever it is, no.” Don stands up from his desk and crosses his arm in defiance. He will not bend today, nope, not gonna happen. “And who let you in?”

“Well the gate is pretty low…” The younger boy lets out a nervous laugh. This must what feels like when your most beloved dog poops on your most expensive rug. Gai moves past him and settles himself in front of Don’s equally boast-worthy entertainment area. Hakase makes a sound between a grunt and a sigh. “Snacks check, blank DVD check, snuggle blanket check, Twitter not on maintenance, check. Oh, Don-san, do you have extra socks I can borrow? Plain ones are okay~”

Don cannot convey how much he wanted to inflict physical pain on someone.

 

 

**

 

“And if that happens, Red-san will probably be forced to abandon the group in order to…”

“Gai…”

“…then the socio-economic balance of the whole world will change in one click of an E-bay…”

“Gai”

“…HAHAHAHA EVIL DOESN’T STAND A CHANCE!!”

“GAI. YOUR SHOW DOESN’T START IN 2 HOURS WHAT ARE YOU DOING? AND STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF!”

Gai pauses and looks at Don as if he’s the biggest idiot in the world. What does Don mean by what’s he doing? He’s _analyzing_ the outcome of today’s episode based on the last episode aired _and_ teaser after and most importantly, it’s for FIC FODDER! Doesn’t Don do that? He cannot imagine the horror of not being able to _theorize_ a favorite show. Don-san must be really busy with his school work. Poor sempai should take a break. “Don-san should join me some time ne? I think Don-san’s insight will be truly helpful! By the way, let me follow you on twitter. I do sentai live tweets and trivia!”

All concentration gone, Don pulls out the only card he has.

 

**

 

Luka Milfy likes her sleep long and uninterrupted. This is a weekend after all and it makes up for the times when she has to wake up early for school (this is relative because early means Hakase dragging her out of bed just to be on time for school).

Luka doesn’t get up until her stomach says its lunch. And it’s definitely not lunch when she was roused by the sound of her phone beeping along with the sound of her doorbell ringing.

 _What the fuckity fuck right?_

She blindly reaches out for her phone with her hand. She successfully bumps it from the end table to the floor and wishes it breaks so it will stop ringing. It doesn’t. She opens one eye and reads the registered name.

 _Dork Dogoier_. Wow, really.

Well he really is a dork— but not the Stuffed into a Locker type of dork. Hakase is more of Cool Loser With Great Domestic Skills. She’s not going to say it on his face or admit it to Ahim but come on, she will totally tap that.

But right now, all the tapping she will do will involve a chair and Hakase’s face.

 

**

 

“Luka, before you close that door on my face or hit me please hear me out first,” Hakase pleads, his fluffy hair sticking out in all directions. An anxious looking Gai who keeps on checking his watch stands behind him. He looks like he wants to pee but by some force of nature can’t.

“How about I punch you first then slam the door on your face,” Luka responds, her brown eyes darkening. She steps aside though, watching both with careful eyes. If this doesn’t benefit her in anyway, she swears she’s going to murder them and hide their bodies in the backyard. Maybe she’ll let Hakase live, he has more worth alive than dead. And this annoying freshman, well, she heard that kidneys sell triple in the black market.

“Okay from the top— Hakase what the hell are you doing?”

 

**

 

There is one thought in Hakase’s mind as he enters Luka’s apartment. Bacteria Town.

He’s pretty sure that there are bacteria and germs and a thousand and one diseases waiting to be acquired here. He’s also sure that as of this moment hundreds of germs are making sweet passionate love in that left over pizza box by the television.

This isn’t gonna work. And Gai keeps on checking his watch. And Luka is looking at Gai like he’s a waste of space. He needs to work fast.

He pushes both Luka and Gai outside, locks himself in and ignores Luka’s wild protest and threats of never being able to have children. Hakase starts cleaning.

 

 

**

 

“I have good news and bad news.” Don frowns. His eyes darts from Luka to Gai. Thankfully, the good news leans in more for Luka and that’s fine because she hits harder than Gai. “Luka’s apartment is now clean.”

Luka rolls her eyes while Gai’s face fell. “But umm, I used the bug spray all over the house so we can’t go in yet. 30 minutes, give or take.”

Gai gives off a wail that incredibly sounds inhuman.

 

**

 

Joe is a normal high school student with normal needs: 6 to 7 hours of sleep, 2 hours of work out and kendo, some hour of studying and some minutes of staring at his bedroom ceiling, enjoying the peace. He also likes an hour of leisure bath during the weekends after running laps, swishing his bamboo sword, and picking up some iron.

In school, Joe is more of the Popular Guy that Every Single Girl Likes but at home, he’s more of the My Pace Leaning to Heir to the Dojo type. He likes school enough to attend it but there are times when he just wants to spend the day at home. Alone. Maybe reassess his life. Or think about the complexities of relationships. Or wonder if the dough will be malleable enough if he uses wheat flour than rice flour. Or put his arms around his pillow he calls—

“Ah Joe?” He stops mid-thought and finds his mother, also an early riser, by the door of his bedroom. “Your friends are downstairs. Luka seems to be in a bad mood though.”

Of course Luka is in a bad mood. To wake her up in this hour can only mean one thing: bad news. “Thank you, Okaasan.”

 

**

 

Bad news is what Hakase looks like. Luka just looks indifferent, maybe a little bored because she’s now looking at her nails like they are God’s gift to humankind. Gai looks like he’s attending a funeral— more like he’s attending his own funeral.

This can’t be good. Joe is torn between faking a sudden toothache and kendo training camp. Somewhere. Far. Like freaking Hokkaido. Or Los Angeles.

After serving oolong tea and telling Don how cute he is and Joe should follow after him for the twentieth time, Joe’s mom excused herself. “I remember I have to go to the market today. Anything you want Joe?”

 _My weekend back_ , is what Joe wants to say. Instead he responds with a shake of his head and sends his mother off with half-hearted wave.

 

**

 

“Everything from the beginning. “ Joe points at Hakase.

“My show—“

“Gai suddenly—“

“These motherfu—“

“Okay, okay. Stop. One at a time.” Joe sighs, one of the many sighs he will emit today. “Hakase, go.”

Hakase looks up at him, a box of Gundam kit nestled on his lap. He pouts thoughtfully—no way Joe can pout like that, eh no he’s not really taking his mom’s advice—and points at Gai. “Gai suddenly shows up at my place—“

“I called you—“

“You broke into my house you li—“

“Hakase.” Thank heavens Joe has inherited a huge amount of patient genes. “Back to the story.”

“Gai _suddenly_ shows up but to his credit, he _did_ call but I never agreed to him coming over. And here I was planning to spend the whole day in making this Gundam model and all he does is talk to himself. Out loud. And I’m freaking out because whenever he opens his mouth his limbs start literally move by themselves and there are stuff _everywhere_ and I thought if I brought him to Luka…then…” He scoots over the edge of the couch, hoping that its distance will save him from Luka’s fist. “Then Gai will be…calmer.” Or dead. Either way. As long as he gets him out of his blonde fluffy hair.

“And why did you go to Hakase’s place?”

“No cable. Super—“

“Never mind. Luka what are you doing here?”

Luka scoffs—like the Alpha Bitch that she is. “Mr. OCD of the Year cleans my house and sprays bug repellent and now I can’t go back in and sleep because I might die from air poisoning.”

“I need to watch—“

“Gai, shut up, please,”

“But there’s—“

“Gai don’t step on—“

“Oh my god!”

“Is that blood on Haka—“

 

**

 

Luka thinks everyone should just settle this with a game of cards. That doesn’t ensure a low body count. But what’s unfair is that she’s suffering with these idiots that probably think—wait idiots don’t think.

They have stupidity as their virtue.

 

**

 

Marvelous wipes the evidence of a very uncool drool on the side of his mouth and answers his phone. He kicks the latest volume of Naruto under his bed along with the copies of stuff that his mother shouldn’t see. “You’d better be dying for calling me this early or you changed your mind about you know what—“

“Joe’s throwing a party. There will be food. And bring umm, disinfectant.”

Sometimes Marvelous’ ears aren’t in the best form. Or maybe his mind works backwards. He doesn’t remember that Joe never ever even if his virginity depends on it throws a party.

 

**

When the doorbell rings again, Joe hopes that it’s the soul of his dead ancestors coming in to take him. Gai has managed to trip on a cable, his portable recorder flying directly on Hakase’s face—mouth to be exact—and now there is blood on Hakase’s shirt and Luka volunteers to sew it up for him. His split lip not the shirt. The shirt needs washing.

Instead, Marvelous greets him with grin on his face but before Apocalypse sets in Joe’s face, Marvelous shoves a very sleepy looking Ahim by the doorway—and oh god she’s in her pajamas and why is she out here looking so cold and cu—those pajamas look thin and he should be really getting her inside—umm the house.

 

**

“You.” Marvelous stands across the couch, his arms crossed on his chest and his face looking hurt and betrayed. “You _lied_ to me. You said Joe’s throwing a party!”

“WE’RE HAVING A PARTY?”

“Aie, leas dhut au.” Hakase calls from the other side of the room. He has Ahim holding a piece of wet cloth on his lips.

“Who throws parties at 7 in the morning Marvelous?”

“You! Supposedly! But then Luka _lied_. What is it with you?” He strides over to Luka while the other sits there like she’s interested in Physics which by the way says a lot. “Is it my sexy posture? I knew it. I’ve always had a sexy posture. And you all just have to deal with it.” Probably pleased with himself, Marvelous plops down by the couch and motions to the paper bag he’s brought. “I brought…” He makes a sign with his fingers. “Disinfectant.”

Joe winces along with the rest of the room.

 

**

This is a catastrophe.

After Gai has watched his show and has went on a monologue on how a monster’s second life is a vital point in the story, he has now moved on to talking to…probably Joe but Joe doesn’t care because he’s busy sending dagger looks to Marvelous who is smart enough to smuggle a bottle of whiskey from his parents’ konbini.

“Luka said disinfectant! I thought she was referring to _this_ alcohol. Since we’re partying. Supposedly.”

“We’re not sloshing Hakase’s wound with whiskey—“

“You know in movies they use—“

 

**

 

“Sempai? Remember that time when you lost my Harry Potter DVD collection and I didn’t get mad and you said I can—ah yes—okay, okay. Thank you.”

 

**

 

Ahim is now comfortably sleeping on Joe’s couch like a ball of warmth and sunshine and if Joe has a choice he would rather  crawl in beside her but that’s not gonna happen because Luka and Gai are now playing Mortal Combat Versus on his old PS2. Luka obviously winning every round and Gai just won’t admit defeat apparently because they’ve bet on it. There are also crackers and cheese on the floor that Joe will have to clean up by himself. Unless he asks Hakase for help. But Hakase is hunched over his Gundam model kit murmuring to himself with his shirt still bloodstained. What will his mother think of all these.

Well maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe hanging out is fine. Until Marvelous starts to ransack his kitchen with Joe specifically telling him not to touch this. Or that. Nor that. But he does anyway.

So when Sid-sempai arrives he asks him to please help him get them all out then no one has to die and they can all live long healthy lives and probably salvage their friendship and spend their youth running towards the setting sun.

 

**

After a round of trying to explain, which got them nowhere obviously, Sid Bamick just wants to sedate all of them but he’s their sempai and he still owes Joe big time for that Harry Potter DVD. A good sempai stands by his kouhai. “Why don’t we go out and do something fun. What do you think? Marvelous?”

“I’m hungry.”

“Ahim can’t go out she’s in various states of undr—“

“I’m finishing my Gundam—“

“Hakase you’re such a dork—“

“I’m not a dork! Gai is!”

“I’m super sen—“

“I ranked top three in the annual Ikemen Poll!”

“I’m number one. Joe’s only number—“

“I can take you on any day—“

Sid regrets opening his mouth.

 

**

 

Nothing is really solved that day. Except for the Gundam Kit that’s finally completed which sent Hakase in throes of good cooking mood so now he’s in the kitchen making something fabulous which makes Marvelous satiated which is good because he now stopped pacing around trying to pull out the safety lock on the whiskey bottle. With a bread knife. And an umbrella.

Ahim is now wide awake and wearing one of Joe’s old baseball shirt which pretty much covers everything (which also helps Joe not go in a cardiac arrest every time she skirts around him). Gai lost 30 to 5. Luka is richer and has stopped making creative headlines about dead people and how they died. By her hands. And how they will send her to a place—insert borrowing a pen and a paper and drew licking flames and tortured souls—called hell.

Sid-sempai seems to be enjoying himself too by browsing his DVD collection—that or he’s judging Joe’s taste in movies. But now that everyone’s calm and Joe’s not figuring out on how to explain why he has dead bodies inside his home nor he’s not internally freaking out every five minutes, he decides that it’s not too bad to have—

 

Basco. And Sally. By his doorstep.

 

 


End file.
